The Self Identity Crisis and The REJECTIONS….

These Girls were pretty chola girls. The Girls that would use a lot of hair gel, and Hairspray in their Solid crimpy ,and curly styles. The girls that wore Brown Lipstick, and Black lip Liner, and Sharpie in their eyebrows. The Girls took group photos in revealing spaghetti strap tank tops, baggy pants and didn’t smile in the photos, looking tough and yet eye-catching. These Pictures now seem pretty Silly to me but they were not silly to anyone back then. These photos were passed out to those who are worthy enough to get one and decorate the front of their school folder with . So I started to buy Brown Lipstick and wear Eyeliner, and gel my hair back to form a rock hard ponytail. Well I couldn’t pull it off, and no one else was convinced either, Straight up not worthy of their time, or acceptance.

" WHATEVER, THAT FINE I prefer to Smile In my Photos anyway"
Next I switched up to a skater alternative type style. Anchor Blue was my go to Store to shop for clothes, Vans Skate Park at “The Block” was my go to hang out spot outside of school. GreenDay , The Offspring, MxPx Etc was my new go to Tunez but the clothes, and new taste in music was not good enough. Only Problem with being a Skater girl... is that you Need to know how to  stand on a skateboard which I failed miserably at. Now being called a "Poser" from the Skater crowd, It  was obvious I was not going to fit in.

   When, a Movie came out called “The Craft”  which had spooky yet pretty hot Goth witchy Girls, it inspired my new choice  of style. See  I began thinking, if any of the bullies , assumed I was messing around with witchcraft/ black magic, they should think twice before they mess with me. So Now HOT TOPIC became  my new go to shop, Cemeteries were my new go to hang out at night spot, and  now Nine Inch Nails, AFI, and the Cure was my new tunez of doom. Witch Craft was experimented but never Magically successful, Ouija Boards and spells were not an activity I was not brave enough to participate in trying. As a Catholic, I been highly ADVISED not to participate in any of those type of worship or it’s a ticket to Hell.  well, the Long black dresses and long black skirts with black lipstick didn't fit me too well, I was too giddy to be Dark; and too catholic to be a witch haha.

So, I tried to fit in with different clipies, I tried to Figure out how to stop the Bullying and was flat out Rejected, and once again Unsuccessful . Despite the Bullying and rejection I tried to make the best out of Middle SchooL After School ended I would go to Gymnastics and Jazz classes 3 times a week . I was good in Gymnastics and I enjoyed Dancing so I decided to show my Flexibility and dance moves in the schools Talent Show.. We were required to perform in front of the other students during a lunch period and once more friday night for the Families that are attending the show.

A new and well known hit band known as "BUSH" was a favorite of many of the students in school. I decided how impressive it would be I I did a Gymnastics and Dance routine to their song "SWALLOWED." I practiced daily and made up my own routine. that I was very proud of, and confident that I would wow the other kids in school.

Well Lunch time began and I was the first one up to perform. I was performing my routine but instead of "WOWS" that I was so sure to get , instead I was getting laughed at. I even overheard some of the other students saying things like "I hope she falls and hits her head, " and Another saying "Boooorrringgg" "Then some more mocking, more rude remarks and Laughing" I immediately became distracted by all commotion I stopped and just ran off stage Crying.

THE WHOLE AUDITORIUM got loud with "Boos" and " Clapping. I started TO BAWL my eyes out, on the side of the stage. No one ever bothered to check on me or comfort me., I just wanted to drop out of the talent show and never return to school again.

I'm not sure how , but I convinced myself to just do the 2nd show for the families because I didn't want anyone to know they broke me like that. I was still getting mocked and laughed at in school but I just took it, I laughed at them, and said "I will do better at the 2nd show " . Well I performed with this determination and rage , I got lost in the music and put my heart and soul into my PERFORMANCE after I finished my performance, I heard a LOUD CHEERS, some of the crowd stood up and clapped, for me. I was so happy, I may not be accepted by the kids in school but their Parents sure appreciated the performance I had put on. Just that one moment of acceptance, and support was what i needed the most.

That happy moment was was cut short, The Popular and most admired students began to manipulate others, to not talk to me anymore.. Then when I ever stood up for myself , I was threatened, threaten to get a beat down. The Isolation and now the attacks were about to get physical , I never felt more Victimized. The Threats, made me become a bit paranoid, and lost focus in my academics, my grades were unsatisfactory and I was sent to Summer School which was mandatory for me to go so I would graduate Junior High.

No longer looking forward to celebrating my graduation , This isn't going to be beneficial to my well being . Entering High School was like entering the lowest levels of HELL . So becoming a High School Student .was more feared now then anything, If all this continues , and I knew it would, I would have to deal with this for another 4 YEARS?!?!?!


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